This has been a very difficult weekend for me. I realized on Thursday that I just need to let go of all the baby items I've been holding on to. Our home is just too small and we are bursting at the seams. It is amazing the amount of infant and children items I have accumulated. I can tell you one thing, there is definatly something called too much garage saling. What child needs six pairs of shoes in one size, even if they only cost fifty cents a piece at a garage sale??
There is also the 'little' (sarcasm) matter of my 'broken down not going to clean those toxins out anymore lazy kidneys'. I am told by my Doctors it would be very unwise to go through another pregnancy. It would also be difficult if not impossible to get pregnant at this point if I wanted to risk it (which I don't) because once I start dialysis (which is three days away!) I have a greatly decreased chance of getting pregnant. Only one to seven percent of women of childbearing age on dialysis can get pregnant. Over 90 percent of women of childbearing age on dialysis cannot get pregnant because having kidney disease can decrease the ability to produce healthy eggs that can be fertilized. Of those that do get pregnant, 20% will end in miscarriage and 80% of dialysis pregnancies will only go 32 (out of 40) weeks resulting in a premature birth (which carries many risks to the baby).
So that and our limited room brings me to this baby item purge. I have been elbows deep in boxes and totes for the last three days. There has definatly been tears off and on. Letting go is so hard, but I'm trying to put it in God's hands. I can't control the future and although I hope and pray that I may still somehow have another baby someday... the where and when is in His hands. Birth, adoption, grandbabies? And if not... I hope that desire to want more children will go away. Because frankly I don't want to deal with the pain.
And for those of you who might be thinking "you should be grateful for the ones you have". I refuse to feel guilty for having the natural born desire God gave me to have children. I am very grateful for the children I have. But at this time it has not erased the longing for more.