Friday, September 21, 2012

Depression and Illness

As a teenager I suffered from severe depression. Some people may know that fact about me, but others may not. I was a very angry, lonely, depressed teenager with low self esteem. As I got older though, and especially after I became a mom the first time, the depression left. I think that for me, being a mother gave me a real reason to live. Life wasn't just about me anymore... although it never should have been just about me to begin with but back then I didn't have the relationship with God I needed to have.

Since becoming ill, and starting dialysis I have heard some talk about depression and chronic illness. It is said that when someone has a severe illness such as kidney failure, cancer, etc that they go through a grieving process just like someone that has lost a loved one.

The reason I bring this all up is to say that I have not dealt with depression in years, matter of fact I never expected to have to deal with it again. But it has tried to rear its ugly head again. I know this is part of the devils plan to reek more havoc in my life. To keep me down and out emotionally and spiritually. In the last year I have suffered 2-3 bouts of depression, the good news is it was short lived, praise the Lord! Mostly just a few hours where my brain could not handle 'handling it well' anymore. The depression just came on me like a wave, choking and suffocating so I literally could not breathe. I will not go into the dark thoughts and feelings that I have dealt with during these times... just because I don't want to give voice to it. But for those of you that have suffered from depression, I'm sure you can imagine some of what I may have felt. In these instances I for whatever reason was not able to call out to God immediately, but He called out to me and when I grasped a hold of Him He didn't let me go. God is so good. He gives us grace and mercy, even when we fail miserably and make the wrong choices. One way God helped me recently was through a rogue Christian radio station. I was just searching through the stations and came across a somewhat fuzzy station I had never heard before... and have not heard since. Unlike the regular Christian radio station that usually plays so much garbage, the songs playing that day spoke to my heart and helped to bring me out of the dark. Was that God? I believe so, but even if you argue it wasn't, it sure was good timing!

If you are going through something difficult in your life, regardless of what it is, cry out to God. He will be faithful to answer you!

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